Jokes From Newspaper Front Pages

Jokes on Egypt, Obamacare, the Olympics, more

The Supreme Court is expected to rule on the Obamacare health care law this week. Meanwhile, the American public is expected to rule this November on whether Mitt Romney has no personality or not very much personality.

Egypt’s first Islamist president has been elected. He’s been referred to as the “spare tire” because he was seen as a second choice candidate, which is reminiscent of Vice President Joe Biden’s nickname, “Ol’ Tire Brain.”

The “Levitated Mass” exhibit opened at the L.A. County Museum of Art, displaying a 340-ton rock sculpture. Aritst Michael Heizer said that he’s a huge pro wrestling fan.

Britain is deploying spy planes, tens of thousands of troops and helicopters with snipers as protection during the Olympics. Those snipers have already apologized in advance for when they lose it and shoot everyone blowing vuvuzelas.

It was reported Monday that a group of staff members from congressional intelligence committees watches video of drone strikes every week. They gave the latest video two decapitated thumbs up.

Today’s jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Monday, June 25, 2012.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Monday, May 7, 2012

Florida is seen as a key battleground in this fall’s election battle between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Obama is trying to get Florida residents on his side by emphasizing his Mickey Mouse-sized ears.

Vice President Joe Biden recently said that he’s “absolutely comfortable” with equal rights for gays to get married. In other news, a recent medical checkup shows that President Obama has suddenly developed incredibly high blood pressure.

In its opening weekend, “The Avengers” brought in $200 million, making it the biggest domestic opening ever and beating previous record holder “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2.” In order to make even more money, the film is being re-released as “Iron Man and the Punching of Hulk.”

Hundreds of surfers paddled out in memory of Junior Seau, the NFL linebacker who recently killed himself. Because the best way to remember someone who committed suicide is by putting long sharp objects into a warm liquid.

More A-list actors are getting into voiceover acting. The American people responded that they weren’t quite ready to hear Anthony Hopkins selling Depends.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has lost his reelection bid. It turned out that it was impractical to follow his plan to personally have sex with every female voter.

Residents just off the Melrose strip are complaining about plans to build a home in their neighborhood for people with dementia. Those who live near the facility say they spend enough of their time with agents already.

The United Kingdom employs a special group of soldiers from Nepal. They’re like James Bond if he spoke with a different accent and was looked down upon by snotty English people.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Thursday, May 3, 2012

President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan on the one-year anniversary of killing Osama bin Laden. Some have said that this was an excessive celebration by the Obama administration, but the administration was too busy snorting coke off hookers to respond.

While visiting troops in Afghanistan, President Obama gave out high fives, or as Fox News referred to them, terrorist hand jabs.

A panel in the United Kingdom’s Parliament has declared News Corp. CEO Rupert Murdoch unfit to lead the company. They translated it into his native Australian for him and told him his dingo pouch was boomeranging his barbie.

On the 20th anniversary of the L.A. Riots, the L.A. Times looked back at the impact gangsta rap had. The music started out in the Bronx before coming to fruition in the homes of annoying trust fund white kids.

Hepatitis C is a silent epidemic among the baby boom generation. Well, not so much silent as an “Ohhh, oh yeah” epidemic.

Singers are taking to a Las Vegas open-mike to try to break into the big time. It’s like a really depressing Ocean’s Eleven where no one winds up with anything.

Police described May Day demonstrations as “festive.” However, it wasn’t as festive as previous years, as this time they didn’t beat protesters like piñatas.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The new One World Trade Center is now the tallest structure in Manhattan, finally rebuilt after the attacks of September 11th, 2001. Measures have been taken to protect it from terrorism, such as painting on a fake mustache.

Barack Obama has been criticized for trumpeting the death of Osama bin Laden under his watch, killed by Navy SEAL Team Six. No word yet on which Navy SEAL team killed the economy.

Koreatown is the hot new gentrifying district of Los Angeles. It’s like Silver Lake, but with more awful pop music.

A blind Chinese dissident managed to escape from house arrest in China last week. He escaped China by running away from the sound of unhappy factory workers.

According to a new report, the public officials of Vernon, California gave benefits to employees who weren’t supposed to receive them. Not one of those benefits: Living in Vernon, California.

The Iowa farmhouse used in the 1930 painting “American Gothic” is being rented for $250 a month. After hearing this, L.A. renters all jumped off a bridge.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Monday, April 30, 2012

Meteor hunters can earn up to $1,000 per gram of meteorite. They can also fetch their moms their slippers while living in their families’ basements.

For the 20th anniversary of the L.A. Riots, an Associated Press photographer reflected on his experience at the time, when he was beaten by rioters. He offered that perhaps he shouldn’t have asked the protester with the baseball bat to pose.

Critics say that Mitt Romney opposed Michigan’s gay marriage law to help build his conservative credentials for his presidential run. Romney responded that he’s not sure if that’s a compliment or not and he’ll react to it however you want him to.

Four died in the Newport Beach-to-Ensenada sailing regatta. In lieu of flowers, the families will be accepting ascots.

An L.A.-area woman was recently reunited with the Zambian boy she sponsored through Christian Children’s Fund. You too can buy a friend for only a dollar a day.

A judge is deciding whether to find in favor of a computer specialist who was laid off by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory who alleges he was let go because of his belief in intelligent design rather than evolution. In other news, due to NASA’s recent budget cuts, they are opening a faith-based space travel program.

The L.A. Clippers managed to come back Sunday after being down 27 points. They made up a one-point deficit for each year of them sucking.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Friday, April 27, 2012

Two hundred liquor stores burned down during the L.A. Riots 20 years ago. The fire responded that it could have stopped any time it wanted to.

Former Liberian warlord Charles Taylor was sentenced in international court this week to life in prison, a sign that dictators will eventually face justice, unless they’re from North Korea, China, Iran, or really most of the rest of the Middle East and Africa.

The new L.A. Metro Expo Line is pushing the rail system farther west, and will ultimately deliver subway service all the way to the beach. Coming soon: a lot of subway rides sitting next to wet hairy shirtless dudes.

Some executives from the Wall Street firm that caused the 2008 economic collapse, Lehman Brothers, had compensation packages north of $50 million. Those executives said they feel really bad about it and promised to say hi the next time they come to Earth to refuel their moon yachts.

Marissa Engel of Hollywood sought to meet people outside of her own social circle, so she posted an ad on Craigslist seeking to set up dinner parties with strangers. We will always remember Marissa Engel for how super murdered she was.

Jokes based on the front page of the LA Times for Thursday, April 26, 2012

Businessman Aliko Dangote of Nigeria is Africa’s richest man. Well, it must be easy when you work so closely with all those Nigerian princes.

L.A. County Assessor John Noguez is being investigated, with boxes of evidence being removed from his Huntington Park home. However, investigations indicate that, like most boxes in Los Angeles, they were filled with headshots.

Arizona’s law requiring police to check whether those they stop are illegal immigrants is likely going to be upheld by the U.S. Supreme Court. It looks to be a 5-3 decision, as Justice Sonia Sotomayor has gone missing.

L.A. Times food critic Jonathan Gold wrote a piece for the anniversary of the L.A. Riots on how the riots affected the L.A. culinary scene. Because that’s what haunts people to this day: The tragic toll the L.A. Riots took on food.

Veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are having trouble finding jobs back in the United States. They also pointed out that, hey, Syria’s looking at us funny.

Media mogul Rupert Murdoch has denied in court ever using his newspaper to advance his business interests. You can read all about it in the Wall Street Journal’s headline story, “Rupert Murdoch Is So Handsome.”

Newt Gingrich was reportedly planning to end his run for the Republican nomination. This, despite winning 100 percent of the votes of people who want a moon colony.

TSA screeners at LAX reportedly took bribes to allow illegal drugs through security. Screeners at LAX being involved with drugs led to the public being super not-at-all shocked.

The Beach Boys are going on tour to celebrate their 50th anniversary. They’ll be driving a Little Deuce Motorhome.

Jokes based on the front page of the LA Times for Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Photographer Colin Rich is using time lapse photography to capture the city of Los Angeles. Over the course of his work, you can very quickly see waiters never, ever become actors.

President Obama is playing up his humble background as he tries to contrast himself with wealthy Republican opponent Mitt Romney. He wants everyone to know how he picked himself up by his secret Kenyan bootstraps.

Two Southern California water agencies are battling each other in court and in public, raising costs for consumers. Local TV news anchors are currently busy writing their headlines about those customers being “super soaked.”

Lamborghini is making a new SUV called the Urus. It’s like a regular SUV but with more of you being an asshole.

The number of foreclosures in California is finally going down. In other news, banks now own all the houses in California.

L.A. Laker Metta World Peace was suspended for 7 games for elbowing James Harden and causing a concussion. His actions earned a swift condemnation by the NBA and a swift contract offer from the UFC.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Tuesday, April 24, 2012

John Edwards, charged with violating campaign finance laws, arrived at court with his daughter, Cate. Edwards’ lawyers were quick to reassure jurors that no, he’s not sleeping with her too.

The Lost Ladybug Project at Cornell University is enlisting citizens across North America to document ladybug populations. The project was quickly embraced by your weird aunt who sends you sweaters you don’t like.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio is helping Mitt Romney court the Latino vote. He did refuse Romney’s request to tell Latinos how much he loves the Dorito burrito.

This November, California voters will get to decide whether to eliminate the death penalty and replace it with life in prison. Inmates will also have the option of experiencing something that feels like life in prison, listening to their grandpas tell another story that probably involves something super racist.

California is cutting billions from prison budgets. Prisons are trying to make up for some of the cuts by selling tours to the one fan of the TV show “Alcatraz.”

Chinese power couple Bo Xilai and his wife have recently fallen from grace, with the husband removed from his position with the Communist Party and his wife facing charges of poisoning a British businessman. In other news, the leaders of the Chinese Communist Party have all been poisoned.

The number of Mexicans crossing the border into the U.S. is now equal to the number crossing back over. No word yet on a response to Mexico’s request for the border wall to be turned around.

The Obama administration reportedly ignored a recent request by Native Americans to slow the federal government’s pursuit of solar power due to construction taking place near Native American burial sites. The Obama administration apologized for ignoring the Indians and said they’d been busy like the rest of America with pretending to care about the Republican primary.

Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Monday, April 23, 2012

Rodney King says he’s still haunted by his 1992 beating at the hands of L.A. police. Though he says he wishes he really was haunted, as beatings by ghost batons would probably hurt less.

Mitt Romney reportedly plans a health care overhaul where people would buy their own insurance instead of getting it at work. Critics point out that we need companies to provide health plans in order to keep people in their depressing, dead end jobs.

In Pakistan, Hindus are reportedly being kidnapped by Muslim men and forced to convert and marry them. In the United States, we get women to do that by promising them children.

A levy by the Obama administration on Chinese solar cell jobs could actually have a negative impact on U.S. green jobs rather than protecting them. The Obama administration immediately offered to bail out the planet Earth because it’s too big to fail.

More students are taking advantage of a program that allows them to attend state schools in other states for lower tuition than most out-of-state students. You get all the overcrowding and lack of prestige of a state school without the advantage of being close to home.