Jokes based on the front page of the L.A. Times for Monday, May 7, 2012
Florida is seen as a key battleground in this fall’s election battle between President Barack Obama and Republican challenger Mitt Romney. Obama is trying to get Florida residents on his side by emphasizing his Mickey Mouse-sized ears.
Vice President Joe Biden recently said that he’s “absolutely comfortable” with equal rights for gays to get married. In other news, a recent medical checkup shows that President Obama has suddenly developed incredibly high blood pressure.
In its opening weekend, “The Avengers” brought in $200 million, making it the biggest domestic opening ever and beating previous record holder “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2.” In order to make even more money, the film is being re-released as “Iron Man and the Punching of Hulk.”
Hundreds of surfers paddled out in memory of Junior Seau, the NFL linebacker who recently killed himself. Because the best way to remember someone who committed suicide is by putting long sharp objects into a warm liquid.
More A-list actors are getting into voiceover acting. The American people responded that they weren’t quite ready to hear Anthony Hopkins selling Depends.
French President Nicolas Sarkozy has lost his reelection bid. It turned out that it was impractical to follow his plan to personally have sex with every female voter.
Residents just off the Melrose strip are complaining about plans to build a home in their neighborhood for people with dementia. Those who live near the facility say they spend enough of their time with agents already.
The United Kingdom employs a special group of soldiers from Nepal. They’re like James Bond if he spoke with a different accent and was looked down upon by snotty English people.
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